Fall Fashion: Fiber Shirts Are Here, Google Fiber Is Coming

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Google Fiber t-shirts have started to arrive at the homes of area residents. I’ll analyze whether the shirts are ITB approved in a moment. I’m still livid at Google for kicking out 518 West so they could move into their building and also for referring to Raleigh as “Raleigh-Durham”. However, I’m willing to look past this since they’ve selected Raleigh as one of the few elite cities in the country to deploy their fiber service, which provides super fast internet speeds and TV service. Google Fiber’s most amazing feature is that it isn’t Time Warner Cable. This is a game changer folks, I will be able to refresh Twitter and Instagram so fast that I may never even have to look up from my phone to acknowledge the rest of the world. I’d like to personally thank Bonner Gaylord for bringing Google Fiber to Raleigh. Remember when he lured Google Fiber here by offering to name his twins after the Google co-founders? I’m just glad Google didn’t make him go through with it because Sergey isn’t even close to being an acceptable ITB name.

In an attempt to win over ITB residents still enraged over the loss of 518, Google went through an exclusive selection process of asking residents to enter their e-mail and mailing address in exchange for a complimentary t-shirt. I viewed these shirts as “complimentary” in order to justify signing up for one. Signing up for anything that’s “free” just makes you look needy and desperate. Also, Dad forbid me to sign up for anything free after I went on that free credit card spree in high school.

The shirts arrived in this cool space age Google bag, which I assume is made from some futuristic material that Google discovered on one of their secret missions to Mars.

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They also included this note.

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I obviously had to tell everyone that I received mine.

The shirts are a dri-fit type of material that probably gives you faster cell service, unless you’re on Verizon. As you can see, the shirt features an image of the shape of NC composed of dots, with Raleigh and ITB represented by colored dots, which may or may not be some sort of secret braille code or colorblind test.

The fact that these are “limited-edition” and that Google checked ZIP codes before sending these to residents makes them almost ITB approved. Unfortunately, they don’t pass the ITB t-shirt test since they aren’t white, navy, hunter green, or a pastel color, don’t have a frocket (front pocket), and aren’t from the Sanitary Fish Market, Beaufort Grocery Co., Dockside, or a rush event.

The shirts are also contributing to the increasing problem of outsiders assuming they’re from Raleigh because they wear North Carolina themed clothing. Leon James, a transplant to the area, Instagrammed about his Google Fiber t-shirt proudly. “Totes love it! Can’t wait to wear this to a Food Truck Rodeo to show off where I’ve been from for the last six months. #Fiberiscoming #fiberishere #201inthe919 #jerseyboy4lifebro.”

One downtown bar owner was not pleased with the Google Fiber shirts, claiming they were hurting his campaign against a recent rule change that’s impacting his bars, Coglin’s, Paddy O’Beers, and Common 414. He made hundreds of shirts with #savethepatios written on the front to spread awareness about endangered patios or something. He claims that too many people in downtown Raleigh are now wearing the Google Fiber shirt, which is preventing his voice from being heard. As a result he plans to make new shirts that read “#savethe#savethepatiosshirts”.

And lastly, the ultimate nail in the Google Fiber OTB coffin, Broughton students were unimpressed with the shirt. “I do like that the dots represent ITB, but nah I’d never wear that. It doesn’t even have a Blue Marlin on the back,” said Park Lawson V.

No word on if House of Swank plans to sue Google for making a shirt with the shape of NC on it.