An ITB friend informed me of a Craigslist posting this morning, that I think should be read by all. Titled “Flaccid golf clubs for sale – $200 (Raleigh)” this posting itself is worth the $200 asking price. Forget that you aren’t getting a bag, or a putter, and cherish the fact that you can tell people you were the one who bought a semi-set of clubs from someone as legendary as Marc Lewis (@MarcTLewis). Anyone that’s interested should contact Marc and offer him more than his asking price. Let’s start an ITB bidding war over this, just to see how high we’ll go to out-do each other, then brag about it over Coors Lights at The Point on Thursday. Read the full ad here if your iPhone or laptop will actually let you visit Craigslist.
“These clubs were with me the first time I sank a golf cart in a water hazard, the first time I polished off a fifth of bourbon during a single round, and the first and only time I ever killed a bird. These clubs have been in my trunk on every one of my road trips, whether alone or with friends, so they have seen the world, or, rather, a corner of the world, just North Carolina, really, and maybe Virginia and South Carolina, but we don’t talk about South Carolina, no one does.”
“They have been used as a cane when my crutches were not around the two times I broke my knee, the second time a dislocation of the knee cap that led me to believe the pain of child birth would be both bearable and welcomed should it be an alternative to my knee cap coming unattached again.”
“They also can not learn to hit the ball straight. They are terrible at remembering the few good strokes they have created and fight constantly to stand out from the herd, to stray, like some weirdo in Jnco jeans in the corner of the cafeteria eating his spaghetti by hand or some damn Hippie laying in a field going nowhere with his life. These clubs will never sustain a job because they cannot learn. There is a reason they are for sale and all sales are final.”
“I bought these clubs before I met the girl who would become my wife. I met her eleven years ago when I was sixteen and had a stomach that no one who knows me now would believe, ripped like a little Rambo.”
“Like the clubs, as in life, like a speedometer only meant to go so fast, potential is not what you can imagine but what you can do, and the potential in these clubs is set at a non-negotiable 32 over par.”
“PW-3I. The 3-iron and 4-iron have never been swung. Maybe they have been swung but they have surely never been hit by a ball. The 5-iron worked one sunny day in August of ’01 on a course just outside of Raleigh. And on that day the 5-iron worked like few 5-irons have worked before. But that day was but a whisper of joy in a lifetime of defeat, like that scrimmage before senior year against the worst team in the city when I had twelve tackles and an interception (my count) and the world (my mom) thought I was going to be a star.”
“My initial asking price is $125 for the clubs. No bag. No extra wedges. No putter. PW-3I. And $200 if you want the driver. The asking price is high, yes, but this is a g-d recession if you haven’t noticed and the bar near my house seems to think $2.75 is an appropriate asking price for PBR. Not only do I have all the hipsters in the world drinking the stuff but they’ve driven the price through the roof. One day I’ll catch one, one of the skinny, squirrelier ones, and place his knit cap over his mouth and waterboard him with Four Loko.”
“If you want to discuss the price you can email me through Craigslist or get me on twitter (@marctlewis) or my website (marctlewis.com).
Let the bidding begin and don’t be cheap. Everyone is poor these days. You’re not special.”