ITB ALERT: A new Winnebago has crossed the border and is now parked inside Cameron Village. I’m certain this is related to the Hopscotch Music Festival. Hopscotch is a three day gathering of hipster bands I’ve never heard of, playing in hipster bars I don’t usually go to in downtown Raleigh. Hipsters live for Hopscotch and will do anything to make sure they don’t miss a second, including living in a Winnebago in Cameron Village so they can be close to downtown.
But how did hipsters get a Winnebago? My guess is they used Kickstarter. If you haven’t heard of “Kickstarter” yet it means you’re normal and don’t need to beg for money from strangers online. Kickstarter is a form of “crowd funding”, which is the hipster version of venture capital.
Hipsters invented crowd funding because, other than that Tom guy who sells shoes that offer zero structural support, no one in their right mind would take an equity stake in any hipster led venture. Crowd funding allows them to get all their hipster friends to pool money together so they can reach a “goal” and then create a product or complete a project. The projects are usually something like raising $10,000 to make a black and white documentary about vintage soda cans from France. I’m positive the hipsters used this method to buy the Winnebago.
Now that the Winnebago is parked, they’ll live in it for the weekend. I’m sure they picked Cameron Village so they could live ironically in the lap of our luxurious specialty retail destination center. They’ll use the unprotected Wifi of Bevello because the store is run by ITBers that don’t even know how to set up Wifi, much less password protect it. We can’t expect them to know how to do these types of things because other people should be doing these things for them. The result is that hipsters end up stealing our ITB Wifi.
Once the hipsters get our Wifi, they’ll each get on their iPhones, iPads, and one Android, owned by the hippest hipster who refuses to, “aid in Apple’s tyranny of the consumer electronics market”.
“Next thing you know Apple will be sponsoring that football game on Monday Night, which is so creatively named, “Monday Night Football”. Do you really want to be associated with something so vapid? Apple was cool when Steve Jobs was alive. Not it’s way too commercial.” the hippest hipster will say.
He’ll be ignored by the other hipsters who are busy viewing the schedule of events for the weekend. They’ll spend hours pouring over the schedule of shows and will be faced with life altering decisions when they learn that multiple bands they enjoy are playing at the same time in different locations. They’ll eventually decide to take a break from the stress to get something to eat. Their first choice is obviously Whole Foods, but the hippest hipster isn’t going to let that happen.
“We are not going to increase our carbon footprint by driving this gas guzzler all the way to Whole Foods. I’m staying here to do more planning. You all bike to Whole Foods and bring back food for the group,” the hippest hipster will demand.
Being malnourished in general, the hipsters will avoid the 2 mile long bike ride and settle for shopping in the Fresh Market. They’ll try to buy all organic foods, but when they return to the Winnebago it won’t be enough for the hippest hipster.
“Absolutely not. I’m not eating this kale. Yeah it’s organic, but it isn’t from within 30 miles of here. Do you even realize how big its carbon footprint is? Plus the Fresh Market isn’t even LEED certified. Whatever, I’ll just eat at the food trucks at one of the day parties,” he’ll say as he leaves the Winnebago.
Armed with his Android, the hippest hipster is now on his own. He’ll only attend shows of the lesser known bands. This will allow him to reign over the post show discussion at Neptune’s or Raleigh Times. He’ll explain that his shows were better than any of the more “well known” bands that his friends enjoyed.
“You just….I just….it’s unexplainable,” the hippest hipster will explain.
“I mean, you had to be there. I’m sure you all followed the hashtags for Dope Body, Co La, and Whatever Brains while you were at those big name shows. But it isn’t the same. Trust me.”
Trust him they will, hoping it makes the hippest hipster stop talking. It won’t.
“You should have seen the tweets per minute this band had. It was so ephemeral, yet so lasting. I just….you just had to be there. You all really wasted your time with those mainstream bands,” the hippest hipster will say.
With that statement, he will have crossed the line. Hipsters hate to be accused of liking something that’s considered mainstream. Sick and tired of the hippest hipster, one of the other hipsters will snap.
“Stop. Just stop it. Your father is the Vice President of a Fortune 500 company. You were an outcast at Broughton and went to a liberal arts college in Idaho, which you dropped out of when the professors hated your horrible senior design project. A black and white documentary on vintage soda cans from France? I’m a hipster and even I think that’s insane,” he’ll say.
His cover blown, the hippest hipster will retreat under the ruse of being above petty arguing. He’ll leave the other hipsters and won’t return to the Winnebago. By the end of the weekend the hippest hipster will be seen walking the PBR littered streets of downtown Raleigh, all by his lonesome. Even hipsters can get sick of their own hipster bullshit.
What the hipsters won’t realize, is that while they’re away Hopscotching I’ll be getting their Winnebago impounded. I’ve already done it once, I’ll gladly do it again. On top of that, at 9:00pm tonight we’ll form an SUV caravan to drive the streets of downtown Raleigh playing Wagon Wheel on repeat as loud as our Bose stereo systems will go. When we’re done we’ll go back to The Point and feed the jukebox $100s and play Phish, Widespread, and Nelson’s Dance Floor hits from 2008 for three straight nights on the jukebox.