Krispy Kreme’s ITB Status In Jeopardy

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There’s a new doughnut in town, just not in our town. Our ITBeloved Krispy Kreme has partnered with Reese’s to create a Reese’s peanut butter doughnut. Here’s the description on their websiteThe ultimate flavour indulgence!! Filled with smooth Reese’s® Peanut Butter sauce, our new REESE’S® Krispy Kreme doughnut is all you can hope for. Hand-dipped in choc icing, topped with REESE’S® peanut butter chips and vanilla biscuit crumbs and finished with a light choc drizzle.
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I couldn’t figure out why they spelled “flavor” with a “u”, and then I realized this website is in Australia. Also, it’s called “chocolate” not “choc”. Choc just makes people think of Choco Mountain, one of the worst courses on Mario Kart 64.

So why is this doughnut only available in Australia? Krispy Kreme was INVENTED in North Carolina. Not only is it available in Australia, but it was already released in the UNITED KINGDOM in 2015. It’s one thing to throw the Aussies a bone because they don’t win in the Olympics anymore, but to give something so glorious to the UK, who probably just tossed it aside while arguing about Brexit, is totally unacceptable.

This behavior is seriously jeopardizing Krispy Kreme’s ITB status. If you’ve seen my Instagram you’re probably aware of how much I love doughnuts. Exhibits A through G:

ITB cold weather tip: use the seat warmers in your car to keep your donuts warm. #ITBeats

A photo posted by William Needham Finley IV (@wnfiv) on

Worth the trip. @duckdonuts #donuts #smoresdonuts #smores #somemorewhat #killinmesmalls

A photo posted by William Needham Finley IV (@wnfiv) on

The guy in front of me in line at @risecameronvillage asked what farm the cheese was from. Not joking.

A photo posted by William Needham Finley IV (@wnfiv) on

Duck Donuts for dinner because I’m an adult and don’t have to answer to anyone.

A photo posted by William Needham Finley IV (@wnfiv) on

Now I have to microwave these like a damn heathen. Still eating the whole dozen because tornado watch yolo.

A photo posted by William Needham Finley IV (@wnfiv) on

As you can see, I have a vested interest in what we’ll call “Doughnutgate”. Is Krispy Kreme punishing us for branching out and trying other doughnut options like Duck Donuts and Rise Biscuits and Donuts? They can’t be that petty. Here’s my theory, and like all good conspiracy theories, this one centers on Charlotte. Krispy Kreme offers a promotion when the Carolina Panthers win a game. The Monday after the game a dozen donuts are on sale for $4.99, a $3 discount off the regular price. The Panthers won 17 games last season, meaning Krispy Kreme ran this promotion 17 times, a huge hit to their bottom line. But people LOVED it.

After 17 wins these children gained a collective 350 pounds and their father had to join CrossFit.

Krispy Kreme figured it would all pay off as long as the Panthers won the Super Bowl. But the Panthers didn’t win the Super Bowl. Krispy Kreme’s entire marketing plan blew up in their faces. To recoup their losses, Krispy Kreme figured they could sponsor an Australian Rules Football team that would actually win whatever championship game they play down there. Had the Panthers not won so many games and caused Krispy Kreme to lose so much money, none of this would have happened.

So once again, we have Charlotte to thank for us being deprived of something we love. Krispy Kreme is going to have to work hard to get their ITB status back. I look forward to their next move. In the meantime, sign the petition to bring the Reese’s Peanut Butter doughnut home, where it belongs.

Note: This post would have been sponsored by Krispy Kreme, but we aren’t on good terms right now.

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