by William Needham Finley IV™

The ITBest Places to Watch the Solar Eclipse

in Humor/ITBNN by
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Millions of people will gather on Monday afternoon to stare at the sun, which will be blocked by the moon for a few minutes in what is known as a “total solar eclipse.” This doesn’t happen very often, which is why so many people are freaking out over it. Classic supply and demand.

Apparently, there’s this thing called the “path of totality” which is the area where the eclipse will be the most blackout or, according to NASA, “the path that the moon’s shadow traces on Earth during a total solar eclipse.”


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We did some investigative journalism by looking at that map and discovered that Raleigh isn’t even in the path of totality. That means we’ll only get about 90% blackout, if you really believe the folks at NASA.

Most Raleigh residents seem excited about the eclipse, with Facebook posts seeking eclipse glasses numbering in the billions. So after conducting extensive research on planetary alignment and proximity to the beltline, we came up with the best places to view the solar eclipse in Raleigh.


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Carolina Country Club

The Club will be holding a members only viewing party of the total solar eclipse. An anonymous CCC representative commented, “We considered coming up with a plan to shift the Earth’s axis so that we would be directly in the path of totality, but the estimated cost was around $70 trillion. We didn’t feel comfortable asking members to pay higher dues for a 2 minute event. Plus we’re just really focused on the Deb Ball right now.”

Broughton Bell Tower

Broughton is commonly known as the center of the universe, which makes the bell tower the best place in the world to view the solar eclipse. Light refreshments will be served and the Broughton show choir will perform a rendition of “Total Eclipse of the Heart”. If you’ve already graduated, you’ll need to bring either a Caps Club pass, your diploma, or a class ring to get in.

Second Floor of Felson’s (Fosters/Nelson’s)

Once home to the highest number of weekend blackouts in Raleigh, Felson’s (Fosters/Nelson’s) is another great spot to view the eclipse. The second story offers amazing views of our beloved Cameron Village and downtown Raleigh. Attendees must be able to name the top 5 songs played on the NDF in order to be let in. Marcus will be checking IDs, just kidding, he’ll just be standing next to the door greeting people as they walk in.


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How to View the Eclipse

Once you select your location, you’ll need the proper viewing equipment. You could join the thousands of parents searching Facebook for $2 NASA approved glasses. Or you could just buy a pair of our custom-made LaClipse™ glasses. If you didn’t pick any of these up, your polarized Ray-Bans are probably fine. If you happen to burn your retinas out while wearing your Ray-Bans, my attorney Stacy Miller would be happy to represent you in a class action lawsuit against the sun.

These are safe.

With the proper location and equipment you should all have an enjoyable total solar eclipse viewing experience. Remember, just like mansion fires, it’s not safe to stare directly into the sun.


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