ITBlake the intern came to me with a problem. He needed a summer job that would allow him the flexibility to be a famous intern and also play Fortnite (it’s a video game) constantly. I told him that I would help him find a job, despite being overwhelmingly busy with launching a podcast, running a media empire, and trying not to get sued.
We posted an ad and his résumé in the micITBit Facebook group.
We got a lot of great responses but ITBlake didn’t follow up with any of them. So I took it upon myself to find him a job and set up an interview.
I reached out to Scot Wingo, who was named 2018 CEO of the Year by The Triangle Business Journal. Wingo is the CEO of Spiffy, a local company revolutionizing car care. Spiffy’s convenience and eco-friendly process have made them a triangle favorite. With the tap of a phone screen, they bring car washing, detailing, and oil changes to you. Using the Spiffy app, you can quickly schedule an appointment and their professionally trained technicians show up with everything they need to make your car stand out from all the others in the White Memorial pickup line.
Wingo had the perfect job in mind for ITBlake. As you can see from the video, we pivoted from our original strategy of having ITBlake wash cars, and instead focused on leveraging ITBlake wearing a penguin costume while synergistcally standing on the side of (and sometimes in the middle of) a busy road to attract attention.
We generated over 1M impressions that day. To thank ITBlake for his hard work, Spiffy is offering our loyal readers $20 off a full wash or detail, or $10 off oil changes. Just use code “ITB” when checking out. You’re welcome.
Raleigh’s Webb Simpson had quite a weekend. The Broughton and Wake Forest graduate, 2012 U.S. Open winner, Ryder Cup team member, Presidents Cup team member, Broughton Hall of Famer, cousin of Bonner Gaylord, and Carolina Country Club course record holder dominated the competition to win The PLAYERS Championship on Mother’s Day.
To celebrate, a victory parade will be held every day at 1:00 pm for the rest of May on the following route:
Winning the hearts and minds of the entire world isn’t easy, but Webb made it look that way. He shot 18 under par, decimating his peers, including the likes of Tiger Woods, Dustin Johnson, Jordan Spieth, and everyone else who lost.
Tiger was gracious in defeat.
“He’s making everything.” Tiger Woods on Webb’s play this weekend. #webbwatch
Webb’s Friday round of 63, featuring 9 birdies and an eagle, tied the TPC Sawgrass course record. He also set a record for the largest margin through three rounds and tied Greg Norman’s 54-hole record at 19-under 197.
Webb overcame a lot in this victory. After winning the U.S. Open in 2012, the PGA Tour banned the anchored putting stroke (belly putter) used by Webb and many other golfers. It was a ruling made out of fear, fear that Webb would go on to win every single tournament for the rest of his career. The PGA was worried that Webb’s dominance would discourage younger players from even trying to play golf.
With the ban in place, Webb’s putting declined. The day before the 2017 Players Championship began, Webb had a conversation with NC State alum Tim Clark while on the putting green. Clark suggested Webb try out a claw grip. Using his genius IQ and LeBron Jamesesque photographic memory, Webb memorized the grip in less than two seconds and is now 10th in putting this season.
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One of the best parts of Webb leading all weekend was that the announcers were able to focus on Broughton. Here they are congratulating the Broughton boys golf team for winning their 12th state title.
The victory was Webb’s fifth on the PGA Tour and makes him eligible for the World Golf Hall of Fame. Webb is now ranked 20th in the world and 9th in the Ryder Cup standings. So congratulations to Webb, his team, family, and friends. Everyone should celebrate this victory. But if there was any question as to where Webb is from, he gave Raleigh’s SportsChannel8 the exclusive answer last week.
As always, we got a glimpse of Webb taking a phone call after his victory.
“Hey Bonner, yeah I know it’s almost surfing season. Let me call you back. I’ve gotta go add to my trophy case.”
Go Webb, go Caps, go America.
Highlights from Webb’s win:
My amazing cousin @webbsimpson1 won the US Open on Father's Day. We lost Sam a few months ago and now Webb wins on Mother's Day. Wow.
During his victory press conference, a reporter asked if Webb had really broken his belly putter. Webb replied:
“I was going to play in the Dunlop Phoenix tournament. I had made a plan to switch to the short putter that week kind of under the radar, I knew you guys wouldn’t be there. It was a year before the rule was enforced so I thought I’d get a year under my belt. I started to chicken out a little bit, and I called Paul and said ‘Hey I’m gonna take the belly putter one more tournament.’ My wife’s in the driveway pulling out with the kids and I tell her this, and I see my bag in the garage and I see the belly putter. For whatever reason I had the urge to break it. If I break it I can’t take it with me. So I go over there and snap it over my knee and I’m on the way to throw it in the trash can, and she tells me I better hang on to it, it’s been pretty good to me. So I put it in my trophy case, both pieces, and then went to Japan with the short putter.”
Hello best friends, welcome to the 2018 edition of Webb Watch at The Masters. We’ll be covering Broughton alumnus, and 2012 U.S. Open winner, Webb Simpson as he plays in his seventh Masters tournament. Unfortunately, we don’t have a live camera on him like the baby owl, but we’ll do our best to provide up to the second coverage. We would have sent ITBlake the intern to cover this, but he’s not good at social media and he’s currently in Cuba. (More on that later, if he comes back alive.)
Before we get started, I’d like to discuss a recent controversy that arose on Instagram.
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On Wednesday night I posted the following picture that I post before every big tournament that Webb plays in. He’s always getting a phone call, probably from Bonner trying to sell him Ray-Bans, and politely telling the caller that he will call them back because he has to go play in (insert tournament).
This morning, someone with nothing better to do with their life decided to chime in. They attempted to continue Webb’s conversation by saying: “I should be back home in Charlotte by noon on Saturday so let’s talk again then”. #GOHOKIES
Great joke, pal. (That’s a reference to when Webb joked “Enjoy the jail cell, pal” as his 2012 U.S. Open victory interview was interrupted by a Vince Vaughn look-alike who ran on the green to protest rainforest deforestation.)
To be clear, the implication in this Instagram comment is that Webb will not make the cut, thus making him available to talk on Saturday. I replied with “cool story, Hansel” a reference to the Oscar winning film Zoolander, and then went on with my day. The commenter then had the audacity to question my judgement because I went to Fyre Festival.
I have numerous issues with this interaction.
A.) If Webb missed the cut he wouldn’t be back in Charlotte on Saturday. He’d spend the rest of the weekend with friends and family in a cottage at the Masters eating $1.50 pimento cheese sandwiches.
2.) If you don’t like what I post, don’t follow me. My media empire is not a platform for your bad jokes or criticism. I’m fine with constructive criticism. For example, just this morning someone commented on this Dogs of ITB post and said the caption should have been “Raiders of the Lost Bark”. And they are totally right. I promise to do better in the future.
Earlier in my career I would have told this guy to go binge eat Tide Pods. But I can’t do that now or I’ll end up in the headlines. I have a baby owl and ITBlake (not my biological son) to think about and I can’t be that reckless. So the only thing I’ll say to this guy is, ITBless your heart. Now, on to the coverage.
Webb tees off at 12:54 PM on Thursday. He’ll be playing with Charl Schwartzel and Yuxin Lin. Here are some quick Webb Watch stats from the 10 events he’s played in 2018:
47th in the FedEx Cup rankings
40th in the World Golf rankings
Eternally 1st in the ITB rankings
3 top 10 finishes
5 top 25 finishes
6th best scoring average
3rd best sand save percentage
9th in approaches from 50-125 yards
1st in final round performance
1st in late scoring average
Here are our current betting odds:
Webb 3/1
Tiger Woods 8/1
Everyone else 20/1
(All bets must be placed using ITBitcoin. Payouts not guaranteed.)
Stay tuned for more coverage throughout the day.
We also have some 2018 Masters facts from Wallet Hub because they e-mail me great #content that I can simply copy and paste. And they say journalism is dead.
I’m pretty busy these days, but not so busy that I don’t take time for ITBlake the intern. His 18th birthday was Wednesday, so I obviously waited until Tuesday night to start thinking about it. Fortunately, social media provided a ton of great suggestions when I asked for some last minute gift ideas. Here are a few:
Pre-IPO shares of ITB Media Empire, Inc.
A signet ring. A card signed by top ITB officials and businesses. Lunch on the veranda at Carolina Country Club followed by a round of golf. A dictionary with all the words starting with “out” or “outside” scratched out and all words with “inside” highlighted with hearts in the margin. A friend for the Lake Boone chicken. A personal billboard for the month. Oh. I know. A trip to a festival somewhere…..
Management position with MicITBit
A case of LaCroix
Redeemable gift certificate for the Point
A YETI Tundra for the Tahoe and a YETI Hopper for on the go
Long sleeved Big Rock shirt
A Barbour jacket
Whatever it is, monogram or smock it
ITBlake wine (LaCroix) personalized glass
Reserved parking spot in Kip-Dell
Someone suggested a Trolley Pub ride, but we aren’t allowed to haze interns. Plus, we are anti-ITBullying at ITB Insider™.
A framed Stacy Miller sign, framed in empty Amazon boxes
Tickets to the next Fyre Festival
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A car – this was suggested by multiple people
A “My boss survived the Fyre Festival and all I got was this lousy t-shirt” t-shirt.
Be cutting edge. Get him a fidget spinner.
Man-Mur gift certificate
Cake from Village Deli
A Land Rover (assuming he doesn’t already have one…)
Take him to a strip club
A Broughton-themed care package
Clearly deserves Bojangles’ breakfast. If you could somehow get Flash to deliver it to the BHS football stands that’d be a good way to watch the sun come up.
ITBiscuits from Rise, then an ITBmw
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Lock him in the time capsule
Set up a song-a-gram go fund me competition with all proceeds toward purchasing a gift certificate from Village Deli or Great Outdoor Provision Company (only redeemable at CV location)
Snap spectacles, he can post videos and be the itbhipster
A fake id and/or a members-only pass to the secret Felsons that we all know still exists somewhere.
A flask with Broughton’s logo on it
A purple and gold fidget spinner
Pullen Park tickets are always a hit. Or maybe pay his joining fee at the University Club to get him off of parents’ membership.
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Thanks to everyone for the suggestions. I wasn’t able to get all of these things on such short notice, but I’ll definitely add them to his Christmas list. Here’s what I did get ITBlake for his 18th birthday:
Tradition Scarves had actually already prepared a present for ITBlake. They got him a Broughton scarf, hat, socks, and a NC flag bandito. ITBlake’s still figuring out how to wear it.
An ITBlessed LaCroix glass. (These will soon be available in the online shop.)
LaCroix for his ITBlessed glass.
A Pumpkin Spice Latte, since he’s still on his PSD (pumpkin spice diet), I actually had them write “ITBlake” on it.
That’s a key to ITBlake’s very own luxury condo at The Wade. This was kind of a big one, but I figured it was a business expense that I could write off. It’s still under construction, but ITBlake was so excited that he may camp out there in a few weeks. Stay tuned.
Overall, it was a great birthday for ITBlake. They grow up so fast.
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$5 billion and 50,000 jobs. That’s what Raleigh is hoping to get if Amazon decides to build their second North American headquarters (HQ2) in the Triangle. People went nuts when Amazon recently put out a Request For Proposals and announced plans for HQ2. Cities across the nation scrambled to submit proposals, using hashtags and social media campaigns in an attempt to woo Amazon.
Here in Raleigh, the Research Triangle Regional Partnership (RTRP) has been using the hashtag #TriangleDelivers to show support for the proposal. But they needed help. As the only growing media empire in town, ITB Insider™ was asked to help “celebrate delivery of the HQ2 proposal and drive conversation via #TriangleDelivers” using a “positive, upbeat, celebratory” tone. This seemed like the perfect job for ITBlake the intern.
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I replied to RTRP’s request with a few thoughts:
—
I read the e-mail about the campaign/tone and just want to make sure I’m doing this right. Our idea is a short film starring ITBlake the intern that looks at what would happen if Amazon didn’t bring HQ2 to the area.
FADE IN:
ITBlake the intern is sitting in a Broughton classroom waiting to take his midterm exams. His entire future rests on this one day. He begins to write his name on the first exam, but his pencil breaks. Panic sets in. He hears a voiceover from WNFIV (like the ones they do in Star Wars) that says “Use the app ITBlake…use the app.” ITBlake opens Amazon Prime RIGHT Now, a new service offering 2-minute delivery via a supersonic drone. Unfortunately, that service is only available in cities where Amazon’s headquarters are located. There will be no pencil delivery. “If only Raleigh had HQ2….” ITBlake thinks to himself.
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Without a pencil, ITBlake fails all of his exams. His GPA plummets. He gets rejected from all of the colleges he’s applied to. He is left with nothing.
Ironically, ITBlake gets a job as an Amazon Prime delivery person, specializing in LaCroix delivery to ITB moms. He makes a small fortune on tips and starts investing in ITBitcoin, a new cryptocurrency that’s extremely rare and valuable. Within six months ITBlake is worth $750 ITBillion.
He buys Walmart, renames it “ITBlake-Mart”, and streamlines their operations using the ITBusiness skills he learned from his internship at ITB Insider™. He moves the headquarters to Cameron Village and sets his sights on Amazon.
Two years pass and ITBlake is dominating the online shopping industry, achieving better results than Jeff Bezos (the founder of Amazon) in a fraction of the time. On the brink of going out of business, Bezos contacts ITBlake for a meeting. He wants a merger. Everyone knows it’s a bailout. ITBlake decides to take the meeting.
The groups are seated at a giant table (made from the same stone used to build Broughton) in a conference room on the top floor of the ITBlake-Mart headquarters. The room overlooks the same classroom at Broughton where ITBlake failed all of his exams. He thinks back to that day and wonders what might have been. Jeff Bezos presents Amazon’s offer. He talks about “leveraging synergies” and finishes by asking for $300 billion, with a B.
ITBlake stares blankly at Bezos. He reaches inside his Patagonia down ITBlazer (part of the business/outerwear clothing line he started) and begins to pulls out an object. Bezos assumes it’s a checkbook and lets out a sigh of relief. ITBlake pulls out the object and looks it over, wistfully. It’s a Number 2 pencil.
ITBlake quietly says, “Three years ago, all I needed was a pencil. But you couldn’t deliver. I failed out of school and was forced to become a billionaire just to prove a point. All I wanted to do was go to college, start a dank meme account on Instagram, and make 7 figures as an influencer. Just think where we’d all be if you had simply moved HQ2 to Raleigh.”
Bezos interrupts and starts talking about “pivoting” and “leveraging leverage” before ITBlake cuts him off. “I’m willing to overlook your mistakes. We can’t all ITBe perfect,” he says.
ITBlake uses the Number 2 pencil to write down an offer on his monogrammed Crane and Co. stationery. His assistant delivers the offer to Bezos, who slowly opens the stationery. It reads, “One fucking pencil. Take it or leave it.”
Fade to black.
Moral of the story: The demise of Amazon would never have happened if they had just moved HQ2 to Raleigh.
Alternatively, we could just take pictures of ITBlake with an Amazon box in different spots in Raleigh. We’d be glad to do this in exchange for a corner office on the top floor of the HQ2 building, and 5% equity in Amazon.
Thanks,
WNFIV
—
Our friends working on the proposal didn’t really know what to say, so they asked us to just take a few pictures. We made an announcement on Twitter, which immediately got the attention of the local news.
Once ITBlake arrived for his internship I explained what we’d be doing in a few easy steps.
Step 1: Cut a hole in the box (it makes the packages more aerodynamic and easier to ship)
Step 2: Write #TriangleDelivers on that box
Step 3: Drive around Raleigh and take random pictures with that box.
As we finished our media empire work I could overhear ITBlake singing to himself. “And that’s the way you do it. Christmas, #TriangleDelivers. Hanukkah, #TriangleDelivers. Kwanzaa, #TriangleDelivers. Every single holiday, #TriangleDelivers. Over at your parents’ house, #TriangleDelivers. Mid-day at the grocery store, #TriangleDelivers.”
We posted the pictures to social media and sat back to watch the impressions roll in.
It’s hard being the sharpest dressing intern in history. But you know what would make it easier. @amazon in Raleigh. Bring HQ2 to Raleigh!!! pic.twitter.com/wfUMHK2oYT
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Every year, junior and senior students at Broughton ask themselves, “Why do I pay $170 for a parking spot and then another $20 for an off-campus lunch pass? Why is this so expensive and where does the money go?” A new theory suggests that the high cost of the off-campus lunch pass is the result of the money going not towards school supplies, but something much more dubious. But what?
A closer look inside classrooms points to where the money is heading. Walk into any Broughton classroom and you’ll find students sleeping. The administration has fought this for years, but finally embraced the practice once they realized they could benefit from it. A former Broughton teacher, who requested anonymity, told us of the existence of a controversial program being used by the administration. I began to investigate.
Referred to as “InceptiCap”, the program is modeled after the documentary Inception, which details the top-secret government program used to enter a person’s dreams to plant an idea into their mind. Since students sleep through class anyway, the Broughton administration figured they could utilize the practice of inception in order to educate students and, as a result, increase end of year test scores and graduation rates.
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It’s common knowledge that Broughton keeps the 2nd and 3rd floors warmer by not turning on the AC. This makes students more susceptible to falling asleep. A PASIV device is placed on a student once they fall asleep, allowing teachers to implant ideas into that student’s mind. If the class is boring enough, the student enters limbo (the longest dream state), which is why many claim that some classes (most commonly math) seem to last for years. In their mind, they are sitting through 10 years of learning calc.
Broughton students have started to catch on to this scheme and have become more vigilant. Similar to the Inception documentary, many students now carry fidget spinners with them at all times to help them determine what’s real and what’s a dream. If their fidget spinner never stops spinning, the student is still asleep and being forced to learn against their will.
the original fidget spinner
Clearly the outrageous price of the off-campus lunch passes can be directly linked to funding the InceptiCap program. Like any good conspiracy, that answer just led to more questions, and I needed more answers. Who exactly was the mastermind behind this scheme and why were students footing the bill? Why doesn’t the PTA just pay for this? I confronted Mr. Corsetti, Physics teacher and first ballot Broughton Hall of Famer, with my findings and was met with a dead end. (Press play)
I posted my Zapruder film to Instagram and by last night it had already hit the Explore page.
With all the extra attention I’ve brought to this matter, henceforth known as “off-campus lunch passgate”, it appears the administration is now spending even more money on a cover-up. I’ve reached out to Stacy Miller about representing Broughton students in a Caps class action lawsuit, but he’s busy running for City Council. While some could say the practice of InceptiCap is done for the greater good, the question of why we have to spend $20 on an off-campus lunch pass remains. Will the Broughton administration lower the prices of off-campus lunch passes now that I’ve blown the lid off this conspiracy?
A message from WNFIV: I’m thrilled to present ITBlake the intern’s first article for ITB Insider™. In addition to making dank memes and trying to get 1,000 followers on social media, he’ll be working on an investigative series for us.
Hey everyone,
It’s ITBlake here with the first of many weekly investigative articles. You may be thinking, who is ITBlake and what is he going to investigate? Well, I’m the first ever intern at ITB Insider™. Yes, I am a real person. Yes, I am getting class credit as a senior at Broughton for this.
A post shared by William Needham Finley IV (@wnfiv) on
As a small child I began investigative journalism by giving people news they wouldn’t get from the lamestream media and Big Sesame Street. At age 11 I was the youngest person ever to climb and investigate Mt. Everest while wearing American Chubbies. When I was 16 and got my license, I became the second best driver in the world, behind Ricky Bobby. As I finish my last year of high school, it made sense to put my investigative skills to good use at the only media empire worth paying attention to.
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What have I been up to?
I have many responsibilities as an ITB Insider™ intern. First and foremost, I’m responsible for making sure everyone’s BLC (Blood LaCroix Content) is at least 12% at all times. I do research on important issues like the big “What’s really in LaCroix?” scandal that rocked the world this week. I’m constantly on call to assist Bonner Gaylord with the weather dome. Despite not having any legal education whatsoever, I’ve been helping Stacy Miller in the trial of the millennium against the Fyre Festival bandits. I’m also required to stay up-to-date on Broughton history and trivia.
What’s going on at Broughton?
I’ll be providing updates on the best high school in the world. Here’s what’s going on this week:
9/15/17 – Broughton vs Rolesville Varsity Football game – 7:00 pm at Broughton. Hurricane financial aid donations will be collected.
9/22/17 – Club Fair – Students get to see what clubs they can sign up for. Speaking of clubs, apparently someone started a LaCroix Club. I’m not sure exactly what the club will do, but WNFIV has already called for an investigation.
an actual flyer at broughton right now
10/6/17 – Homecoming – This year’s theme is “Battle of the Bands” and students are already hard at work building floats for the parade. It sure would be nice if a lovable guitar-playing mascot who went to Broughton were allowed to participate in the festivities…
What comes next? After my first week of watching Shav highlights, reading the August issue of Vanity Fair multiple times, and listening to The Connells, I’m ready to start investigating the issues that matter.
A post shared by ITBlake the Intern (@itbintern) on
I’ll cover the obvious topics like Queen of Hearts and prom, but also plan to tackle the hard hitting questions like, “Why are off campus lunch passes $20 when I already paid $170 for a parking pass?” and “Why isn’t there AC on the 2nd and 3rd floor of Broughton right now? How many students have to be mildly uncomfortable until a change is made? How many?!?!” Most importantly, I will help grow the media empire and make sure ITBlake is a name you can rely on and trust.
Want more of ITBlake?
You can follow me on Instagram @itbintern and on Twitter @ITBintern. You can also read more about my first week on the job below. If you have any stories you’d like me to investigate, please email intern@itbinsider.com.
I needed help. It was late April and I was drowning under the demands of running a media empire, getting ready to attend the Fyre Festival, editing the Development Beat, and answering 50 messages a day from people in micITBit, a secret closed Facebook group for moms that I had just accidentally started. It was all so overwhelming that I was stress eating an entire Capital Creations Sunday night anxiety pizza in one sitting. And then it happened.
The divine power that is Broughton High School intervened. Broughton’s internship coordinator reached out and asked if I would like to have an intern during the upcoming school year. It was fate. This was potentially the answer to maybe one or two of my problems, depending on how capable this high school student was. I immediately said yes and met with the coordinator, who informed me that she had selected the perfect candidate for my growing media empire. His name was Blake and he was a rising senior.
We had a plan for Blake. We were going to teach him about advertising rates, sponsored posts, how to monetize social media accounts, and much more. But before that could happen we had to make sure he was someone we could ITBelieve in. The first thing we did was make him take a quiz about Broughton. Seriously.
First Week Pop Quiz
I asked my followers for question suggestions the night before the quiz and got so many amazing responses that we’ll be launching an ITB quiz series. Feel free to submit more questions to wnfiv@itbinsider.com. We didn’t want to overwhelm Blake on his first day, so we kept the quiz to 16 questions. The answer key is at the bottom of this post.
Pop Quiz – Week 1 – August 30, 2017
1.) What year was Broughton founded?
a.) 1987
b.) 1929
c.) 1776
d.) 1969
2.) What does the middle initial “B” in the school’s name stand for?
a.) Bae
b.) Beltline
c.) Bryant
d.) Basic
3.) What floor is the pool on?
a.) Basement
b.) First floor
c.) Second floor
d.) Fourth floor
4.) What was the nickname of the lovable unofficial mascot who rode his bike to every home and away game, had killer dance moves, and played guitar?
a.) Dash
b.) Flash
c.) Crash
d.) DSart
5.) What is the greatest band from Broughton?
a.) The Connells
b.) The Village People
c.) Dishwalla
d.) Chatham County Line
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6.) How many points did Shav score when he broke Pistol Pete’s all-time single-game scoring record?
a.) 44
b.) 42
c.) 56
d.) 70
7.) What is the maximum distance Colonel Barber would chase a student attempting to skip school?
a.) 4 blocks
b.) 1 mile
c.) 3 miles
d.) To the end of the Earth
8.) What is the senior tradition involving the bell tower?
a.) Students are locked in the bell tower for two weeks without food or water. The survivor is named Valedictorian.
b.) Students get to go inside and sign their name on the wall.
c.) One student is chosen to live in the tower for the entire year.
d.) Students are allowed to take a rappelling course where they rappel down the bell tower.
9.) What TV show was Broughton graduate Sharon Lawrence on?
a.) NYPD Blue
b.) Pacific Blue
c.) The Big Bad Show
d.) Game of Thrones
10.) How much time does it take to drive from the flagship Bojangles’ on Western after Friday morning breakfast and still only be 3 minutes late to Caps Class?
a.) 5 minutes
b.) 9 minutes
c.) 12 minutes
d.) 15 minutes
11.) What TV show was Broughton graduate Colin Fickes on?
a.) Dawson’s Creek
b.) One Tree Hill
c.) Boston Public
d.) Law & Order
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12.) How many state titles has NC Soccer Hall of Fame Coach Izzy Hernandez won?
a.) 7
b.) 2
c.) 3
d.) 11
13.) Which movies did Broughton graduate Peyton Reed direct?
a.) Ant-Man
b.) Yes Man
c.) The Break-Up
d.) Bring It On
14.) How many times did Coach Hernandez’s teams finish ranked number 1 in the NATION?
a.) 0
b.) 1
c.) 2
d.) 3
15.) What does AC stand for?
a.) Air conditioning
b.) Algebra Club
c.) Albert Clifford
d.) All Clear
16.) Finish this sentence: Approve ye that which is…
a.) Gnarly
b.) Excellent
c.) Average
d.) Whatever
We then went over a few personality questions.
What’s your favorite ITB street to drive on?
Oberlin
What’s your favorite ITB ZIP code?
27605
If you could be a Dog of ITB (follow @dogsofitb), what type of dog would you be and why?
Husky, because they’re like an icy German Shepherd.
If you were to create a slogan for your life, what would it be? (Example: Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow, we die.)
Be chill or hype but never anything in between.
Favorite floor of Broughton?
The pods
We reviewed his answers and after a long deliberation we decided that he was fit to work with us. To stay on #brand we renamed him ITBlake and held an ITBaptism using Pamplemousse LaCroix to make it official.
It was time to introduce ITBlake to the world. We took the required first day at the ITB Insider™ media empire picture and posted it online.
What we didn’t plan on was ITBlake becoming an overnight sensation. People went nuts.
In less than a week, ITBlake’s picture became the 5th most liked picture on my Instagram in the last YEAR. That includes all the pictures of Fyre Festival (which I went to), pics of Webb Simpson, and pics of Trophy Wife sunsets (#followthesun).
Fame
Seeing that type of boy band level hysteria made us realize we needed to leverage this opportunity. So, in addition to his normal duties of making sure our LaCroix is always 42 degrees and learning how a media empire works, we are now going to make ITBlake famous. We created @ITBIntern Twitter and @ITBIntern Instagram accounts for him and have added “Make dank memes” and “Get 1,000 followers” to his learning objectives.
We hit our first teachable moment when we let ITBlake choose his own profile picture for Instagram.
While we applaud ITBlake for combining American flag Chubbies shorts with the beltline and the North Carolina flag, we were concerned people wouldn’t believe this was an ITB approved account. What ITBlake didn’t realize is that there are a lot of knock-off ITB accounts out there, some that even use our own logo to try to gain followers by riding our coattails. We had to make sure he was staying on ITBrand, so we did an entire logo overhaul for ITB Insider™. The graphic design work was done by Broughton graduate Katie Bryant, which is why it looks so amazing. We’ve also partnered with her and Southern Ego Clothing, a company run by Broughton graduate Roshad Williams, to make sure you can get these logos on every piece of clothing you could ever dream of. More on that coming soon.
Our new ITBrand
We’ve been recording these teachable moments with ITBlake and plan to launch a podcast in the next few weeks. This is going to be the most entertaining internship ever. Everyone please join us in welcoming ITBlake to the team. Follow him on Instagram. Like everything that he does. Make him famous.
If you have any suggestions on things that ITBlake should work on, please e-mail him at intern@itbinsider.com.
1.) b. 1929
2.) c. Bryant
3.) d. Fourth floor
4.) b. Flash
5.) either a. The Connells or d. Chatham County Line were acceptable
6.) c. 56
7.) d. To the end of the Earth
8.) b. Students get to go inside and sign their name on the wall
9.) a. NYPD Blue
10.) b. 9 minutes
11.) this was a trick question, as Colin Fickes was on all of these shows
12.) d. 11
13.) another trick question, as Peyton Reed has directed all of these movies
14.) c. 2
15.) b. Algebra Club
16.) b. Excellent
I had a horrible day on Twitter on Thursday. The guys on Adam & Joe, a sports radio show on 99.9 The Fan, do this thing on Twitter called “Top 4 at 4” every day. They choose a topic and ask everyone to list their Top 4 things of that topic at 4:00 pm. Yesterday’s topic was a joke about NFL player Colin Kaepernick, often referred to as “Kap”. Apparently, Kap’s been in the news a lot for kneeling during the national anthem or something. I haven’t had time to keep up with the story, plus I really only care about Broughton football (currently 1-0, go Caps).
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Host Joe Ovies, friend of the media empire, tweeted out that the topic of the day was Top 4 Caps. Some friends alerted me to this because we obviously assumed Joe meant top Broughton Caps. I was in the middle of doing about 10 things at the same time when I learned about the topic, but I still took a few minutes to fire off my top 4. Since all Caps are #1 I listed them as such. I also wasn’t going to be limited to 4, because I don’t play by the rules. I sent the tweet and went back to dealing with Fyre Festival lawsuits, moms on micITBit, the Development Beat, and figuring out what to do with the Broughton intern that starts next week.
Top Caps 1. Will Roach 1. Webb Simpson 1. The Connells 1. Pistol Pete 1. Bonner Gaylord 1. Stacy Miller 1. Jesse Williams#Top4at4pic.twitter.com/3FF7tspqOg
It wasn’t until I checked Twitter again that I realized I’d forgotten one of the Top Caps, Shavlik Randolph. I quickly sent another tweet adding a few more Top Caps.
Top Caps continued 1. Shav Randolph 1. Jeremy Shelley 1. Needham B. Broughton#Top4at4
A few hours later, Peyton Reed, a Broughton graduate and Hollywood Director (Ant-Man, Yes Man, The Break-Up, Bring It On, 13 episodes of the Back to the Future TV Series,and more) saw my tweet and replied.
Peyton and I had met back in June at the North Hills time capsule event, and he clearly felt left out. I felt horrible. In my rush to tweet at 4:00 pm I didn’t even think about non-sports Caps. (I included The Connells because my co-worker (yes, I have a co-worker now) and I were writing a “First Day at the Media Empire Quiz” for the Broughton intern. We had just come up with the question “Who is the greatest band from Raleigh?” so I was already thinking about The Connells.)
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I still had to make it up to Peyton Reed though. Knowing we were both fans of Back to the Future, my plan was to somehow go back in time and fix the tweet. I interrupted Bonner (he was busy calibrating the weather dome for hurricane season) and had him use all his Google Fiber to make me a Tahoe time machine with a flux capacitor so I could go back and fix my mistake.
When I still couldn’t fix the tweet I thought about asking Stacy Miller to sue Twitter for not letting me edit tweets, but he was busy welcoming his newborn ITBaby into the world (congratulations!). The best I could do was recreate the scene from Back to the Future II where Marty receives a letter from Doc after the DeLorean disappears when it was struck by lightning.
I wrote a similar letter to Peyton (on Crane & Co. stationery, obviously) and recorded a video of me reading the letter so I could include music from Back to the Future II. I then tweeted it to cement Peyton’s place on the Top Caps list.
This morning I woke up to the following tweet from Peyton.
Great Scott! If my calculations are correct, I have successfully shamed my way onto @WNFIV's Top Cap list! The future IS what you make it! https://t.co/7ZrR1FCqwC
What a relief. Still, I should have devoted more time to this list. I left off a ton of great Caps (Smedes York, Diane Payne, Babs Nichols, Colin Fickes, Junius Coston, Sharon Lawrence, Devonte’ Graham, and many many more).
So starting next week, the Broughton intern will begin working on our Top Caps series. We’ll feature profiles on the best of the best from Broughton. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but we’ll probably win a Pulitzer. Stay tuned.
Update: This is heavy.
The mind-bending coda to this story? I was on the Universal soundstage filming the making-of documentary for BTTF2 when this scene was shot. https://t.co/Cjv0N9UV70
For decades, Broughton graduates have been faced with a problem. A big problem. This is a problem that many men start to face when they turn 30. At that age, it’s very difficult to determine which males actually went to Broughton. During the years after college, many outsider males move to Raleigh and begin to assimilate into our culture. This makes it almost impossible to stand out in the crowd of monogrammed button down shirts, dress slacks, and sockless bit loafers. How can anyone tell for sure that you went to Broughton just by looking at you? With a Broughton class ring, that’s how.
After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, men can now proudly let everyone know that they went to Broughton simply by wearing the new men’s signet ring that features the Broughton crest. Bask in its glory.
Forged in Mount Doom
When I found out about plans for this ring in December, I became obsessed with it. It consumed me. I had to have one. So I met with Raleigh’s Tricia Stagner, who works with Jostens and designed the ring, to learn more about how it came to be.
WNFIV: What made you decide to design a ring for Broughton?
Stagner: Alumni and students have been asking for this for some time, and after decades of offering an exclusive ring for ladies, we decided it was time to offer a men’s ring.
WNFIV: Why did we go through so many years of suffering without a class ring like this?
Stagner: It’s long overdue, but we think it was worth the wait!
WNFIV: How did you come up with the design? And is this made from the same gold that was used by the Dark Lord Sauron during the Second Age when he forged one ring that would gain dominion over the free peoples of Middle-earth?
Stagner: I don’t know about that last part, but I worked with our talented art department at Jostens to create a ring that was classic and understated. It’s available in 14-karat gold, 10-karat gold, silver elite, and suncast.
WNFIV: Very ITB. I’m just going to assume it has magical powers that you aren’t allowed to talk about publicly. So explain what’s on the ring.
Stagner: As you can see, the Broughton crest is on the face of the ring, while the sides of the ring display the graduation year.
WNFIV: It looks fantastic. The only thing I would add is the shape of the beltline around the crest. What if I wanted to put “ITB” or “AC” on the side of the ring?
Stagner: We can customize the sides based on demand. If alumni wanted a special side, for instance for the Algebra Club, it’s certainly possible. If enough people are interested, a special die can be made to create those rings.
While Tricia did not confirm this, I believe the ring will also:
Grant you VIP parking in Cameron Village
Allow you to skip the pick-up line at Red Dragon on Sunday night
Prevent you from being put on hold when ordering Capital Creations
Serve as a lifetime Caps pass
Reserve special seating at all Queen of Hearts events
Before any of you accuse me of pulling a Zack Morris and trying to sell you class rings that will turn your finger green, I can assure you that these are made from the finest materials. The men’s Signet Ring with Broughton Crest comes in the following styles:
Suncast – $337
Silver Elite – $380
10k Gold – $660
14k Gold – $1050
Ladies onyx rings engraved with the Broughton Crest are also available, and have been around for decades, in the following styles:
Suncast – $322
Silver Elite – $345
10k Gold – $545
14k Gold – $760
The prices above include full name engraving on the inside band. As a gift to my readers, Jostens has agreed to take $20 off the price if you use the coupon code “WNFIV”. That offer expires in 30 days.
The Jostens representatives will be at Broughton on Wednesday, January 18th in the cafeteria during lunch, and also after school from 5:30 pm to 7:00 pm to take orders from current students. Alumni can call 919-789-8500 (press 5) for an order form or make an appointment to see a sample ring. There also may be an order event for alumni at an upcoming basketball game. We’ll keep you updated.
The Broughton class ring is one of the best ways to show off how ITB you are. Sure, you could wear a Tradition Scarf, with your dress shirt, slacks, and sockless bit loafers, but that’s going to get hot in the summer. Just imagine how ITB you’d look wearing BOTH at the same time. I fully expect Jostens to sell a zillion of these. Most people will be smart and purchase at least 3, one for casual wear, one for formal events, and one for exercising. I’m just glad our long beltline nightmare is over and that we can now stand out while attending commercial real estate networking lunches, Y Guides events, and other situations where it’s impossible to determine who actually graduated from Broughton.
Today’s guest post comes from The ITB Historian. Writer’s note: our thoughts are with those who suffered in the weekend’s storms. Others will provide better words for comfort–we’ll do what we do best: keep things light. Keep Reading
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Congratulations to Jeremy Shelley and Alabama for winning the 2012 BCS National Championship game and improving the Broughton Wikipedia page! As you all know, any time that a Raleigh resident or Broughton graduate does something successful on a national level, that achievement automatically becomes something ITB can claim as a success.
If you didn’t watch, here’s a play-by-play of the entire game between Alabama and LSU.
1st Half
ITB 3, LSU 0 – 23-yard Shelley field goal
ITB 6, LSU 0 – 34-yard Shelley field goal
ITB 9, LSU 0 – 41-yard Shelley field goal
Halftime – A fan got to kick field goals to win a house or something. He didn’t even kick against a defense or have a holder and he still missed every single kick. That just shows how hard it is to kick field goals, especially if you didn’t go to Broughton. Also at halftime, ESPN proved that they’re run by a bunch of mouth breathers who didn’t want Broughton to get the credit it deserves.
Typical ESPN bias
2nd Half
ITB 12, LSU 0 – 35-yard Shelley field goal
ITB 15, LSU 0 – 44-yard Shelley field goal
ITB and Alabama 21 – LSU 0 – Trent Richardson TD
Final: ITB and Alabama 21 – LSU 0
At the end of the game I was ready to watch Shelley bring the MVP award back to ITB and Broughton. To my shock and horror, quarterback AJ McCarron won the MVP. If AJ McCarron were worthy of the MVP why didn’t he throw any touchdown passes? Shelley kicked 177 yards worth of field goals! If it weren’t for a garbage time Trent Richardson touchdown, Shelley would have scored ALL of the points in the entire game. I’m overriding this ridiculous decision and officially naming Jeremy Shelley the ITB MVP of the BCS National Championship game.
Even though ITB and Broughton now have a share of the college football national title, the BCS is still the biggest scam in sports. After reading Death to the BCS, I’ve learned that anyone can start a bowl and make tons of money from it. You can also make people think you’re giving money to charity since your bowl game is set up as a 501 (c)(3) and you don’t have to pay federal, state, and local taxes. But wait, there’s more. You’ll even get funding from the government to play your bowl game!
For example, in 2007 the Sugar Bowl (held in New Orleans) received $3 million in direct funding from the Louisiana state government. The bowl brought in $34.1 million in revenue and had $22.5 million of expenses. This resulted in an $11.6 million tax-free profit, including the $3 million it received from taxpayers. With all that profit there’s got to be a long list of charities that they gave to, right?
The Sugar Bowl gave $100,000 to help rebuild a park damaged by Katrina. They gave nothing else to charity. Nothing to the Katrina reconstruction efforts. Nothing to the New Orleans after school program. Nothing to Habitat for Humanity. They basically gave back $100,000 of the $3 million they took from Louisiana. (The following year, the state of Louisiana had a $341 million deficit.) It’s also worth noting that the amount of charitable contributions made by the Sugar Bowl as a percentage of revenue came to a staggering 0.29 percent.
Spending tons of money and creating “committees” to spend that money are key to having a successful bowl. The Sugar Bowl has a “committee on golf” and a “special subcommittee on ladies’ entertainment”. The Sugar Bowl spent:
$645,386 on compensation for the Executive Director (2009)
$494,177 on entertainment (2005)
$201,226 on gifts and bonuses (2007)
$114,666 on committee meetings (2006)
$46,017 on conference meetings (2006)
And it’s not just the Sugar Bowl. In 2003, bowl officials at the Music City Bowl spent $7,203 on an office miniature golf tournament. In 2012, an internal investigation into the Fiesta Bowl found expense reports filed for strip-club visits and extravagant birthday parties, which resulted in the dismissal of the chief executive and a nine count criminal indictment.
These facts eventually caused a bit of an uproar. So Derrick Fox, the CEO of the Alamo Bowl, appeared with ACC commissioner John Swofford in front of a House Energy and Commerce subcommittee in May of 2009. Records from the time of this testimony show that the approximate total payout to charities from bowl games was a combined $3.3 million. The tax-exempt bowls produced $186 million in revenue that year. Those bowls also ended their fiscal years with $141 million in net assets and $80 million in cash reserves. It’s worth noting that more than half of the $3.3 million given to charity came from two bowls, the Orange Bowl and the Chick-fil-A Bowl.
All of this is legal. We could be outraged at this, or we could take advantage of the system. That’s why I’m starting the ITB Bowl. The game will be held at Broughton’s football stadium. ITB Moms, who are great at spending other people’s money, will run the committees. We’ll need a committee for player and fan gift bags, a committee for halftime entertainment, and a committee for the parade through Cameron Village. The parade will be led by the Broughton band, which has had plenty of practice in the Rose Bowl parade. Entry to the game will require a limited edition Caps pass that costs $10,000. We’ll obviously need to name Broughton’s football field after Jeremy Shelley before we hold the ITB Bowl.
At first, I wanted Broughton to play a school like Leesville or Millbrook in the ITB Bowl. The only risk there is that we might lose the game. To prevent this from happening, I’ve decided that Broughton will play against itself. This is very similar to the ITB Olympics, where the swim team at the Club competes against itself so they don’t have to let any outsider kids into the pool. Plus, since Broughton is playing itself, all the players who normally ride the bench will get some playing time, impressing those parents who only love their kids based on their athletic achievements. It’s a win-win.
The ITB Bowl will surely generate millions in profit. And we’ll be sure to donate to many worthwhile local charities, such as:
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