I’ve never been sick. Despite their best attempts at pretending they don’t care about me, my parents at least had me vaccinated as a child. Sure, I’ve had the flu, chicken pox, and common colds, but I’ve never been sick sick to the point that I had to spend time in the hospital. I don’t have kids either, mainly because I can barely take care of myself. Keep Reading
Everyone knows that the road to the White House runs directly through Raleigh, specifically ITB. So it’s no surprise that Presidential candidate Deez Nuts made a stop at the Cameron Village Harris Teeter on Monday to deliver a fiery stump speech.
On Monday morning @ItsJustRaleigh alerted me of some hard hitting news coverage of an accident in Five Points.
— WNCN (@WNCN) August 24, 2015
— WNCN (@WNCN) August 24, 2015
As you can see, someone drove their car up an entire flight of steps in front Hayes Barton Baptist Church. At first I assumed a Brier Creek resident was lost and unable to navigate the 8th traffic circle of hell, also known as Five Points. Then I remembered what Facebook had bombarded me with earlier that morning, it was the first day of school. Clearly this was the work of an ITB mom who had taken ten too many Xanax and was sobbing uncontrollably after dropping her kids off at Root or Lacy. The rivers of tears made it impossible to see her phone as she typed a first day of school hashtag on her Facebook and Instagram posts while driving. #theygrowupsofast
To make matters worse, she got a call from her husband who told her they might have to give up their membership at the Club as a result of the Dow dropping 1,000 points. After having the concept of the stock market explained to her, she became even more distraught at the thought of having to get a part time job at a Cameron Village boutique now that her kids were in school and she no longer had a valid reason to stay at home all day. This was all too overwhelming, causing her to miss the turn on to Whitaker Mill and drive up the steps in front of Hayes Barton Baptist.
Some speculated this was an ITB mom who was upset after finding out about her husband’s Ashley Madison account. Others thought there may have been a secret Lilly sale at North Hills that this person was racing towards.
There’s a slight chance this could have been an ITB mom reading about the plane breakup from Sunday night. Twitter user Kelly Keegan live-tweeted the breakup that she was, like, totes #blessed to witness, obvi. Since this happened on a flight leaving the Raleigh airport, we’ll consider it newsworthy. I’m too lazy to put all the tweets here so if you haven’t heard about it just go read the story on Us Weekly. Kelly went from around 1,500 followers when I first looked on Sunday night, to over 19,000 around 24 hours later. She’ll probably be on the Today Show and Good Morning America by the end of the week, and then the Holderni will do a breakup parody video titled “It’s Not Me, It’s You” set to the tune of “It Takes Two” by Marvin Gaye and Kim Weston. Kelly will get a book deal and an HBO pilot for her reporting. I’ll just sit here and reevaluate my life and try to figure out how to launch a media empire. At least I didn’t drive my car up the steps of Hayes Barton Baptist Church.
Editor’s note: I’m not insinuating that all ITB moms have kids just so they won’t have to get real jobs and that all ITB husbands cheat on their wives. It’s probably more like 60%.
A 1,000 foot water slide took over Gelwood South last Saturday for no apparent reason. I’ve been asking for a moat around the beltline for years, and this company from Utah just shows up and gets unlimited water to waste on a slide in the middle of Raleigh. Keep Reading
I’m tired. I’m tired of complaining about the Trolley Pub. I’m tired of seeing it. I’m tired of hearing it. I’m tired of waiting in traffic behind it, creeping along Davie St. at six miles per hour. I should be complaining about Slide the City and the Ironman Triathlon, which are currently forming the perfect storm to create one of the worst weekends in the history of Raleigh. Yet here I am, addressing a Trolley Pub story that has been Tweeted, texted, emailed, and Facebooked to me countless times this week. I tried to make people realize how terrifying these Trolley Pubs are by contributing to the April Fools’ Day Trolley Pub Apartment story, but for some reason they’re still rolling around Raleigh. Let’s just get this out of the way and be done with it. Keep Reading
Today’s guest post comes from The ITB Historian. Writer’s note: our thoughts are with those who suffered in the weekend’s storms. Others will provide better words for comfort–we’ll do what we do best: keep things light. Keep Reading
Last Friday night, honorary ITB news anchor Penn Holderness sent me the following tweet.
— Penn Holderness (@pennholderness) September 28, 2013
Upon seeing this, I began to hyperventilate. I was going to be referenced on the news?! Keep Reading
The Boston Celtics just got a lot more ITB. Yesterday, they signed Broughton/ITB legend Shavlik Randolph to a multi-year contract. Keep Reading
ITB ALERT: A new Winnebago has crossed the border and is now parked inside Cameron Village. I’m certain this is related to the Hopscotch Music Festival. Keep Reading
Congratulations to ITB’s own Webb Simpson, for winning the 2012 U.S. Open! This isn’t just a victory for an incredible person and player, but also a victory for Raleigh and Broughton. Webb’s U.S. Open victory ranks right above the time he shot a 58 at the Club when he was 17 years old, causing the Club to redesign the whole course. I expect Broughton will have a replica of the trophy made so it can be displayed in Holliday Gym.
As always, Webb represented Raleigh well by wearing a Polo cardigan. Hopefully, Ralph Lauren will give him his own clothing line that will be available in every menswear store in Cameron Village and North Hills.
I don’t want to take all the credit for Webb’s victory, but it DID come on the heels of my recent guest appearance on 99.9 The Fan.
On Monday afternoon, I was asked to go back on 99.9 The Fan to comment on this historic victory and the aftermath.
If for some reason you weren’t watching Webb dominate the final round, I’ve pieced together the timeline from Twitter. One of the best moments occurred when a fan yelled “Broughton” after one of Webb’s shots.
Joe Ovies pointed out the obvious, that attending Broughton is more important than being in a fraternity in college.
Jim Furyk was tied with Webb as he was teeing off on the 16th hole. Furyk’s drive was pretty horrible, most likely due to the fact that he’s sponsored by 5 Hour Energy instead of adderall. That still isn’t as bad as Hunter Mahan being sponsored by Monster energy drink and Under Armour. This isn’t the X-Games, Hunter.
There was concern over potential celebratory mansion fires.
Webb finished his round and watched in the clubhouse as the competition failed to force a playoff. He met up with Bob Costas for the trophy presentation, which included a bizarre interruption, followed by the most ITB quote of the century.
I was certain that someone from Leesville was behind this. It turns out it was just some guy trying to save the rainforests.
It was also pointed out that the trophy presentation should have been crashed by Flash. Webb even agreed with this.
Here are some additional ITB reactions to the victory.
Note: If your tweet is on here and you want it removed, let me know and I’ll make it anonymous.
So congratulations to Raleigh’s Webb Simpson on winning the U.S. Open. We couldn’t have done it without you.
I recently appeared as a guest on the Adam and Joe show on 99.9 The Fan. Overall, I’d say I crushed it. I haven’t gotten the ratings in yet, but I’m pretty sure they’re going to offer me my own show. I left out a few things that I really wanted to mention. Things like mansion fire, how the ITB Insider shirts are one of the few acceptable t-shirts to wear, etc. It all happened so fast, but I’m sure I’ll do better next time, or when I have my own show. For those of you that missed it, the audio is below.
For those of you that can’t listen, here’s a transcript with behind the scenes footage. Keep Reading
ITB landfill operators noticed a dramatic influx of perfectly working iPad 2s on Thursday morning. Keep Reading
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Congratulations to Jeremy Shelley and Alabama for winning the 2012 BCS National Championship game and improving the Broughton Wikipedia page! As you all know, any time that a Raleigh resident or Broughton graduate does something successful on a national level, that achievement automatically becomes something ITB can claim as a success.
If you didn’t watch, here’s a play-by-play of the entire game between Alabama and LSU.
ITB 3, LSU 0 – 23-yard Shelley field goal
ITB 6, LSU 0 – 34-yard Shelley field goal
ITB 9, LSU 0 – 41-yard Shelley field goal
Halftime – A fan got to kick field goals to win a house or something. He didn’t even kick against a defense or have a holder and he still missed every single kick. That just shows how hard it is to kick field goals, especially if you didn’t go to Broughton. Also at halftime, ESPN proved that they’re run by a bunch of mouth breathers who didn’t want Broughton to get the credit it deserves.
ITB 12, LSU 0 – 35-yard Shelley field goal
ITB 15, LSU 0 – 44-yard Shelley field goal
ITB and Alabama 21 – LSU 0 – Trent Richardson TD
Final: ITB and Alabama 21 – LSU 0
At the end of the game I was ready to watch Shelley bring the MVP award back to ITB and Broughton. To my shock and horror, quarterback AJ McCarron won the MVP. If AJ McCarron were worthy of the MVP why didn’t he throw any touchdown passes? Shelley kicked 177 yards worth of field goals! If it weren’t for a garbage time Trent Richardson touchdown, Shelley would have scored ALL of the points in the entire game. I’m overriding this ridiculous decision and officially naming Jeremy Shelley the ITB MVP of the BCS National Championship game.
Even though ITB and Broughton now have a share of the college football national title, the BCS is still the biggest scam in sports. After reading Death to the BCS, I’ve learned that anyone can start a bowl and make tons of money from it. You can also make people think you’re giving money to charity since your bowl game is set up as a 501 (c)(3) and you don’t have to pay federal, state, and local taxes. But wait, there’s more. You’ll even get funding from the government to play your bowl game!
For example, in 2007 the Sugar Bowl (held in New Orleans) received $3 million in direct funding from the Louisiana state government. The bowl brought in $34.1 million in revenue and had $22.5 million of expenses. This resulted in an $11.6 million tax-free profit, including the $3 million it received from taxpayers. With all that profit there’s got to be a long list of charities that they gave to, right?
The Sugar Bowl gave $100,000 to help rebuild a park damaged by Katrina. They gave nothing else to charity. Nothing to the Katrina reconstruction efforts. Nothing to the New Orleans after school program. Nothing to Habitat for Humanity. They basically gave back $100,000 of the $3 million they took from Louisiana. (The following year, the state of Louisiana had a $341 million deficit.) It’s also worth noting that the amount of charitable contributions made by the Sugar Bowl as a percentage of revenue came to a staggering 0.29 percent.
Spending tons of money and creating “committees” to spend that money are key to having a successful bowl. The Sugar Bowl has a “committee on golf” and a “special subcommittee on ladies’ entertainment”. The Sugar Bowl spent:
$645,386 on compensation for the Executive Director (2009)
$494,177 on entertainment (2005)
$201,226 on gifts and bonuses (2007)
$114,666 on committee meetings (2006)
$46,017 on conference meetings (2006)
And it’s not just the Sugar Bowl. In 2003, bowl officials at the Music City Bowl spent $7,203 on an office miniature golf tournament. In 2012, an internal investigation into the Fiesta Bowl found expense reports filed for strip-club visits and extravagant birthday parties, which resulted in the dismissal of the chief executive and a nine count criminal indictment.
These facts eventually caused a bit of an uproar. So Derrick Fox, the CEO of the Alamo Bowl, appeared with ACC commissioner John Swofford in front of a House Energy and Commerce subcommittee in May of 2009. Records from the time of this testimony show that the approximate total payout to charities from bowl games was a combined $3.3 million. The tax-exempt bowls produced $186 million in revenue that year. Those bowls also ended their fiscal years with $141 million in net assets and $80 million in cash reserves. It’s worth noting that more than half of the $3.3 million given to charity came from two bowls, the Orange Bowl and the Chick-fil-A Bowl.
All of this is legal. We could be outraged at this, or we could take advantage of the system. That’s why I’m starting the ITB Bowl. The game will be held at Broughton’s football stadium. ITB Moms, who are great at spending other people’s money, will run the committees. We’ll need a committee for player and fan gift bags, a committee for halftime entertainment, and a committee for the parade through Cameron Village. The parade will be led by the Broughton band, which has had plenty of practice in the Rose Bowl parade. Entry to the game will require a limited edition Caps pass that costs $10,000. We’ll obviously need to name Broughton’s football field after Jeremy Shelley before we hold the ITB Bowl.
At first, I wanted Broughton to play a school like Leesville or Millbrook in the ITB Bowl. The only risk there is that we might lose the game. To prevent this from happening, I’ve decided that Broughton will play against itself. This is very similar to the ITB Olympics, where the swim team at the Club competes against itself so they don’t have to let any outsider kids into the pool. Plus, since Broughton is playing itself, all the players who normally ride the bench will get some playing time, impressing those parents who only love their kids based on their athletic achievements. It’s a win-win.
The ITB Bowl will surely generate millions in profit. And we’ll be sure to donate to many worthwhile local charities, such as:
Stay tuned for more details on the ITB Bowl.